Urg.

I tried writing a post yesterday, I really did. I had a lot of things recently that's been keeping me from really contributing much to this, though it's given me a lot to write about. The stupid thing is, when I try to write a post, I forget everything I want to write about, or how I want to write it, to really connect my thoughts to the words.

I know these blog posts have been depressing, and there's no real excuse for that, I tend to bitch and rant about stuff when I do decide to comment on things, and I don't talk a lot about most of what I think about with other people (I tend to play my cards close to my chest, so to speak), so it feels like it's all been pouring out into these posts.

Long story short, I wanted to write a post on hope. I was even trying to think of a interesting title for it, maybe something to do with the only good thing to come out of Pandora's box, etc. But whatever, I'm getting my thoughts down one way or another. I'm really losing hope in humanity as a whole. Every now and then I come across one or two people that really have it going for them, know what they are doing, help others where they can, you know, just all around good people. (Random aside: Ha-HAH, droid blogger! I have unveiled your secrets of how to italicize text without giving me a major headache! Victory is sweet!) These good people keep that hope alive, but things like the recent rioting in England has really disrupted that hope. Looting and rapings after hurricane Katrina. The Libya situation with Ghdaffy Duck. How people can call that human nature is shocking. Granted, I was lucky most of my life, I was never a victim of poverty, I almost never had to go without. But I also understand in this day and age that morals should be the groundwork of any society, and any society that is amoral at its roots is destined to crumble and rot from the inside out. To come to the point where people are causing mass mayhem and disruption seemingly without reason (or at best if there is one, it's a terrible excuse), where a shop is vandalized and looted by the very regulars who used to frequent it and were acquaintances of the shopkeeper...this is pure lunacy.

It's as if humanity is reverting more and more back into the dark ages, however I believe with technology in this day and age, we're headed for a future that looks a lot like the movie Idiocracy.

I just want to be able to look out at the world and know I'll have a good life lined up for my wife and future child. That's all I want. I think it's all anyone wants, along with a good life for themselves, but if we as a species keep on this trend of rampant joyriding destruction of each other's lives, we're going to have to switch the definitions of humanity and inhumanity in the dictionary.

They're coming to take me away, ha ha...

I've been faced with a lot of frustrating situations recently. I don't let many of them get to me, most I just let roll off my back and happen. One of those is realizing that posting these from my phone has inadvertently caused a few words to be underlined. I have no idea how that happened, I thought something automatically hyperlinked them to a search engine or somewhat, but I honestly don't know, it doesn't matter. This blog isn't for you anyways, remember? And as much of a grammar nazi as I try to be, I'm just going to let my typos and mistakes go a little bit, because this whole thing isn't about being a perfect writer, it's about journaling and self-discovery. I am a writer, though I don't have any stories published, you could say I'm only a writer in the hobbyist sense of the term. So yeah, I see unintentionally underlined words and I cringe a bit.

There's a lot of talk in the news right now about the U.S. debt. For anyone reading this and it's been some time since the date of this posting, it's worth going back and doing a little political research onto what exactly is happening and why it is happening. From a lot of things I've read recently, the U.S. has always just raised the debt limit in the past (great way to solve stuff, by the by, just put it on future generations to solve and forget about the consequences), and the only reason it's a major issue right now seems to be because elections are right around the corner and they want to make drama to make one side or the other look bad so someone does well in the polls. Most if not all the politicians are doing it, especially the two major parties. Frankly, it makes me sick how these men would push us to the brink of economical collapse just to look good in the polls. It's a power struggle, plain and simple, and the nation is being caught up in it. Some people say the world is going to end in 2012, and if that's true, I have a feeling a large part of that is going to be a major collapse of U.S. infrastructure and economy. And it aggravates me to think about it, that a small group of men and women would play a large part in the downfall of our great nation over a pissing contest.

But enough doom and gloom. I mentioned I was a writer. I do write, and have written short stories and poems and the like before, never finished an actual novel. It seems like every time I get a good idea for a book or story that might be interesting and I start writing it, it turns to crap rather fast. At least, in my opinion it does. And while I understand when you write a book with the intention of selling it, you write it for your audience, but if the damn story doesn't meet my standards, like hell am I going to put it out there for others to cringe at. That being said, I have an idea for a new story, and a darn good one. The problem is I'm pretty much scared to start writing it, because in my head it's a good idea, but when I put pen to paper I'm afraid it too will turn to rubbish. Maybe I'll get over it sooner or later when I figure out a good plot. All in good time, I suppose.

I might as well explain the title of today's post as well, it's a lesser known song about insanity, the reason I chose it for the title is because I was listening to the song Kryptonite by Three Doors Down this morning, and it got me thinking a lot about what I had written above. What if our world goes crazy? What if everything we know as good and right suddenly turns on us or isn't there to support us anymore? What if those we relied upon let us down so badly...could we truly ever trust them anymore the way we once did? I have hope and faith, but more and more these days, it's all I have left. Sometimes you get dealt a good hand, sometimes the deck is stacked against you. You just have to keep a stony face and play the game.

C'est la vie

By no means should I be considered a music connoisseur,  I do listen to music, but I don't listen to whole albums. Obviously to someone who does listen to a lot of music, particularly rap, it would be obvious that this blog is named after a song by the artist known as Eminem, or Marshall Mathers. It's not the exact title of his song, rather it's more of a fitted name to conform to my life and how I relate to the song. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty passionate about certain songs, though not simply one genre or another (to any readers, I'm pretty sure I got negative points from some of you as soon as you read I listen to rap, just keep reading). I listen to rap, techno, hip hop, classic rock, metal, classical music, on rare occasion country and instrumental soundtracks or even choral pieces (I used to be in a choir).

Now before you go judging me for who I am (though it's okay, I do it to myself all the time), you need to understand why my tastes are so varied. I said before I don't listen to albums, I simply tend to listen to singles, though not always just the popular ones you hear on the radio. I love music that has feeling behind it, that makes you feel strongly one way or another about something or is emotionally gripping. Whether that song be a love song, an angry rock song, a rap about all the crap life has thrown in your face, or just some calming ambience, if the song doesn't reach out to me and move me, or the lyrics are about mundane or inconsequential things, chances are I won't listen to it. I chose Eminem's song because a lot of his music has feeling to it. Whether someone likes rap or not, it's hard to listen to his music and argue that he doesn't fuel it with the struggles he went through in life, from his humble and rough upbringing to fighting the music industry uphill and trying to keep his family together at the same time while maintaining his 'street cred' (a.k.a. his fanbase).

In his song 'Like Toy Soldiers', it starts off comparing him and the people he hangs out with (as well as those who oppose him and his group) as toy soldiers, inferring the futility of fighting and how in the end it boils down to the whole situation meaning little more than kids playing with their toys, and how easily those toys are 'killed' and how little it ultimately means. It's filled with regret, referring to several altercations between rappers as Eminem works to calm a violent rap community. In the end, he just wants it to stop before things escalate out of control. He's willing to be the bigger man if it means it will stop, not willing to have someone's coffin on his conscience.

Now, while I personally don't live among a violent community (unless you count the global scale, in which I believe my voice means little), I do feel a lot of the things I do, both in and out of the military (read: life in general), has me playing that part of the toy soldier. I'm often thinking towards the future, what will happen in the end due to my choices and the consequences effected as a result. I'm a realist, and to anyone reading this you need to take everything I put into this blog from that perspective. I may sound pessimistic at times, but honestly I'm only an optimistic realist: I hope for the best, but realize and prepare for the worst. I know life isn't fair, life won't coddle you, it will toss you to the wolves just as fast as it will give you the best day you've ever had. I know that no matter what we do, we all die; nobody gets out of here alive. To that extent, a lot of people wonder if what we really do matters on this world, if our existence is meaningless, what happens after you die...I stopped thinking about the 'what ifs' a long time ago, instead focusing on the tangible truths we can more easily hold onto. What I do in this life might or might not impact what happens after life, if there is an afterlife, but the solid truth is what I do in my life affects everyone around me. And while I might do some things for me, I might try and get a little stress relief here and there or just to have fun, overall I get more happiness from bringing it to others. Making their lives a little better, lightening their load. Honestly, I believe that's where true happiness lies, it's what I believe John Lennon was trying to say in his famous song Imagine (and if you haven't heard it, go listen right now).

And so, I'm a toy soldier. My name won't be recorded in the history books, and if it does, it's not likely it'll stay there long. I don't even care if it is or not. Nothing I really do will matter in a hundred years, a thousand years, until the end of time. All the motions I go through, the orders I follow, the music I march to day in and day out is just a puppet dancing on the conformist strings of society, trying to just make a living and a better tomorrow for my family. But I am a soldier, a protector, a defender. I am and will gladly be that first line of defense against someone or something that wishes harm upon those I love and care for, I will gladly give my life that another may be spared (we all have to die sometime, right?) Ultimately I joined the military because I cared for the people I grew up with, my friends and family. I'd gladly fight and die so they don't have to. I didn't join because I love my government, I joined because I love my country and its people. My government has a lot wrong with it, but I've still sworn an oath to follow the orders given to me by it and I intend to uphold that oath to the fullest. So I feel like a toy soldier...I don't always agree morally with the things my government will do, and I can't change it. But through and through, I am a soldier. I will dance on the strings, marching to the music, struggling to bring that better tomorrow a little closer to the ones I care for.

To readers, if you haven't guessed by now, these first couple blog posts are to pretty much introduce you to who I am, what my take on things is, how my mind works. It's also so I can get and maintain a clearer image of myself.

Like sands through the hourglass...

Cool. New blog, and all that jazz. Every now and then I will want to write down my ideas, how I'm feeling, etc, and here is my wondrous new place to do that. Of course, anyone who knows what a blog is and who just read that is thinking 'thank you, Captain Obvious', which would be wrong, I'm only a Specialist. In the Army. Of the U.S.

Which kind of explains a little about the title of the blog and my stance on the political stage of military affairs. Of course, it is illegal to be a spokesperson for the military and speak on their behalf without actually having that as your job; however, personal opinions and observations that do not reflect or insinuate the organization's stance on things are perfectly legal, and as such this whole paragraph is kind of a disclaimer that these thoughts and musings put to word are my own opinions and do not on any scale reflect or represent the opinions or views of the U.S. government, its military, or any other federal or state institution. The ideas or views and thoughts contained herein are solely those of the writer as an individual, and should not be confused or misinterpreted as anything other than that.

So now that the legal junk is out of the way, hi. My name is Charles Hall, and this blog is not for you. Not in the sense that you shouldn't read it or discouragement to follow it, you're welcome to. But, this blog is for me. All the good stuff in my life, all the bad, the past, the present, my hopes for the future, all that stuff.

My name is Charles Hall. This is my life.